Quick story: Recently my step son (7) has been sulking about not being able to go back to his mom's house only a day after the exchange. We usually have him for 2 overnights one week and 6 overnights the next week. Him wanting to go back so quickly felt like jab for me but especially my husband. It felt like he didn't want to be with us. It's not the first time my step son has voiced his desire to be at his mom's house. He usually tells me because he knows I understand why. He tends to not open up to his dad in order to avoid hurting his dad's feelings. On the occasion when my step son does share his feelings with his dad, my husband, feeling hurt, starts to make all sorts of negative assumptions to make sense of the situation. He also assumes that his son doesn't enjoy being at our house, and loves him less.
Some parents dealing with high conflict co-parents tend to blame their co-parent for manipulation or alienation which might cause a child to favor or desire the other parent. Don't get me wrong, such manipulation and alienation does occur (we've experienced). But at the end of the day, children are children. They are allowed to favor one parent over the other. They are certainly allowed to miss the parent they are away from. I grew up in a stable two parent home and I had my moments of being a daddy's girl and being a momma's girl.
I know my stepson is a momma's boy and that's okay. Because I know how much he adores his father. So I decided to have an open and honest talk with the little guy. From our conversation, not only did he express his love for his dad, but it turns out when he's at his mom's house, he misses us as well. So at least, in that situation, his mom didn't go out of her way to screw with his experience with us. There was no need to speculate.
Truth be told, when it comes to family dynamics, assumptions are typically not fruitful. You never know the reality of things if you're not there or at least don't ask questions. You have no idea what's going on at the other parent's house because you don't live there. Even if your child tells you about what goes on...children lie sometimes. And if you have the most honest child in the world, congratulations! But depending on their age, their story could be filtered with misunderstandings. My point is, don't waste your energy making assumptions when your stepchild acts differently. Instead focus on making them feel safe and secure. Have open conversations with your step kids. Don't go fishing for answers. Be honest about your feelings while making them feel safe. The high conflict co-parent doesn't deserve a rent free room in your head.
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