Here's the ugly truth, being a stepmom is hard. Arguably even harder than being the birth mom in a 50/50 custody household. Most stepmoms take on the maternal role but with much more resistance and criticism from everyone involved. Stepmoms feel a combination of being unsupported by their partners, unloved by their stepchildren, unappreciated by the birth mom, and undervalued by society. According to a study, "The divorce rate in remarriages is greater than those in first marriages, frequently because the stepmother is unpopular: She is often caught in the middle, expected to be nurturers of sometimes difficult and suspicious children".
When I got engaged to my now husband, as I started taking on more stepmom responsibilities, I quickly experienced some of the aforementioned negative feelings. I was particularly thrown off guard as I had a great relationship with my partner's son. The unfortunate thing about it is that, much like too many stepmoms, I questioned the validity of my feelings. I felt isolated and alone because no one, including my partner and family understood. And that's because the stepmom experience is really exclusive to stepmoms. And so I sought out stepmom communities on the internet, starting with Reddit.
While my experience was validated, the amount of negativity was discouraging. There were a lot of complaints, not a lot of action. A lot of self pity, not a lot of encouragement. I hated it. And even worse, I hated being a stepmom and I wasn't even married yet. So I created an Instagram as a medium to encourage myself. Through it, I found other similar moms who not only shared their negative experience but gave tips on how to navigate it. One of the most important tips I've learned is to practice gratitude.
This Sunday morning, I am choosing to count my blessings. It's incredibly easy to get distracted by all that is wrong with your environment. And if we are not careful we can get stuck in an echo chamber online so much that all we're feeding ourselves is negativity. I recently found myself in such an echo chamber.
And so while I was taking my step son out on a drive, I started greeting all the things I was thankful for that morning. "Hello house" "Hello flowers" "Hello fresh air" "Hello car". My step son rolled his eyes but smiled. Eventually he understood what I was doing and joined in. This was a reminder that positivity is just as contagious as negativity. And that I am a walking example to the little ones. Simply counting your blessings can decrease the anxiety you're feeling in that moment. It can boost your self esteem and confidence. And when you create the habit of being grateful, the hardships of being a stepmom get easier.
So I'm here to remind you that you have a million different reasons to be grateful if you pay attention. Count your blessings.
What are you thankful for in this moment? It doesn't matter how small it is.
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