New Year, New Attitude: Stepmom Support for the New Year

Happy new year!! I can still say that, right? We're still in January, so I think it is still appropriate. I rang in the new year out of state with my family, while my husband stayed home and my step son was with his mother. Since the Sunday after the new year, I have been on a 21 day fast, as many Christians do around the world every year. I entered this fast no really knowing what to expect but in need of some sort of reset and calibration. I haven't really discussed this publicly, but I suffered my 4th miscarriage back in November. And so I entered the new year and began the fast with a grieving heart. But I can say that this fast has helped me rediscover myself and set my priorities. While I still don't have a lot figured out and I am still in grief, I am approaching life with a new attitude.

For the youngins who don't know, this is Patti LaBelle - The singer of the 80s pop jam, "New Attitude"

Ever since I got married, my mom would always tell me to not let anyone determine my happiness. She's been married almost 45 years, so she must know what she's talking about. And for the first time, I finally understand her message. There are lot of things that are out of my control, but I can pivot and focus on what I can do. I am in control of my own happiness. Obviously, I am allowed to lament and grieve, but I shouldn't stay there. When life gives you lemons, what do you do? To be honest, you have limitless options besides making lemonade.

With that said, how does this apply to step mothers? Here are three things to consider this year for some stepmom support.

1. Don't depend on your partner for happiness. If you're unhappy with a situation, first of all you are allowed to have those feelings. But don't dwell on hoping and waiting on your partner to do better. Don't put your happiness on them. Instead you should communicate your feelings to them. Hope to God that they eventually do better. In the meantime, pivot and do you boo!! In other words, focus on things that bring you joy. Take control of what you can.

2. Don't allow the ex to steal your joy. For some in this case, comparison is the thief of joy. For some, the ex is a high conflict individual. Whatever the case may be, don't let them live rent free in your head. And one way to do this is to place boundaries. Access denied! If this person is causing you stress, don't allow them to have direct access to you. But if that's impossible, practice disengagement. You don't have to respond to every message. But if that's impossible, keep your responses short and direct. And if you're worried about retaliation...don't be. Unless the ex is a psycho who will inflict harm on you and/or your family.

3. Don't let your step kids make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. It's your home and you have authority over what is acceptable and what isn't. And if you and your partner are not aligned in expectations, then you can take a step back from certain responsibilities and involvement until you and your partner figure things out. One of these days, I'll write a post about the art of disengagement and boundary setting. These are powerful and useful tools for step parents.

As Patti says, "I'm in control, my worries are few...I got a new attitude". I hope that the step parent reading this understands my message. You are in charge of your happiness. Don't let any other person take that away from you. As you navigate your blended family this year, take advantage of the things within your control.